Damn Sexy Couple
by SleevedWhiteSnow
Summary: "Is it really that hard to believe? I've always thought we make a damn sexy couple." Ed walks in on something he shouldn't, and finds out more than he bargained for...
1. Damn Sexy Couple

**AN: A re-upload from my other account which I no longer use. Sorry to everyone whose reviewed and favorited this before... My other Roy & Riza stories will be up again soon, I apologize for taking them down, but this is my permanent account from now on so they're here to stay. Thanks for your patience.**

 **Anyhow, had to write something lighthearted after killing Riza off in another oneshot. Enjoy :)**

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Edward Elric's patience was running thin.

Not that patience was a term one commonly associated with the young alchemist, but that was not what was lacking here. Oh no, today Ed believed he had done rather well in that area if he must say so himself. But his self-restraint had just about reached its end with that imbecile colonel having given him the run around all day. And truth be told, when it came to Roy Mustang, _anyone_ had patience.

The reckless colonel would already drive everyone insane with his permanently increasing mass of paperwork which never got done – and almost gave poor Feury a heart attack at least once a week – not to mention his consistent flirtatious jabbering to that Elizabeth-woman on the phone during _work time_ in which his entire office had to in stay after hours. Ed could only be thankful he didn't have to work directly under this moron. And that was when he _was_ there, which was becoming less and less frequent as of late whenever Lieutenant Hawkeye had the day off.

Ed and Al had on numerous occasions caught him flouncing the streets with different women during such times, and Ed could swear the man wouldn't dare even take a second look at one if the lieutenant was there. It was as though their military roles were reversed, with _her_ giving the orders whenever she wasn't his personal nanny dragging him out of every mess – general meetings, dates gone wrong, the bar, heck, even the bloody _rain_. It was a wonder she hadn't shot him already.

As usual, today was no different. Ed had been woken early by an 'urgent' call from the higher ranking officer to assist with a case in which they needed another alchemist. He'd had to cancel his plans of seeing the new alchemic bonding demonstration by a world-class inventor with Al and Winry, but of course if it meant serving Amestris by helping bring a criminal to justice and showing off his reputation as the Fullmetal Alchemist – the latter only a bonus of course – Ed didn't mind offering his aid too much, even if it meant working alongside Mustang, ahem… _following Mustang's orders…_

The case however, turned out to be not so urgent after all – just a simple matter of catching a leak in classified information – and to the colonel's denial but painstakingly obvious to everyone else, Edward had been invited along for the sole purpose of them getting the job done early (and of course, _someone_ needed to do the dirty work, and that person was _never_ Roy Mustang). But Ed in his stubbornness and pride refused to back out and give Mustang the satisfaction of playing hero once again, so after a short and friendly debate between rivals and threats of serious ego damage, he'd ended up offering to do the entire practical part himself – so long as Mustang was in his office for him to relay the details by the time he was done.

Only that was the problem. When Ed returned after his satisfactory one-day case completion – which would have taken Colonel-bastard himself at least three might he add – he wasn't there.

Nor was he anywhere else at Central Command.

Or in his own apartment.

Or at the bar with his fellow co-workers, which was strange considering the time by now.

Or the Hughes'.

Or even strutting around the streets with his latest "date."

Ed mentally cursed the colonel with every painful step he took towards his final destination. He was exhausted, his automail leg ached, and he was sure having overused it would be the cause of his second death when he returned to the hotel – Winry was already going to kill him for coming back in the middle of the night without having given her any notice.

 _Scratch that,_ he thought as he remembered where he was heading. This might be his third…

He arrived at the apartment earlier than he realized and a sense of nervousness swept over him as he stumbled to the door, tripping over the last step and making more noise than would be appropriate this time of night as automail clanged against concrete and a few of his choicest swear words slipped out. In his tiredness Ed hadn't notice a light inside was already on inside, indicating that its occupant was still awake and it wasn't necessary to run over such sincere apologies as he brushed himself off. He lifted a hand to knock, but no sooner was he greeted with the fright of his life when the door flung open and he was met with the end of a P226 pistol and a wide-eyed Riza Hawkeye in a nightgown.

Ed leapt backwards in shock and an unmanly noise escaped him as he landed flat on his back. A hot sensation flooded his face, either in embarrassment, or frustration, or because the lieutenant was standing over him in a nightgown with her hair down looking more like a… _woman_ than he had ever seen her – less the fact that she was pointing a gun at him.

Not that he hadn't seen her like this before whilst seeking advice on a certain mechanic, or the understanding of the irregularity and insanity of the female brain in general since she was the closest to a mother-figure he had, but outside her military attire she looked so… Yes, okay, he used to have a tiny bit of a crush on her alright? _Used_ to. But maybe this time it was the fear and its pursuing adrenaline rush of almost being shot at. Yeah, that was it. She'd almost _shot_ at him!

"Edward?" Hawkeye blinked, slowly lowering her gun.

"L-Lieutenant," he spluttered, jumping to his feet and looking down to avoid her eyes as he dusted off his cloak. He barely noticed Black Hayate's muffled barks coming from her hallway. "I'm so sorry to disturb you at this hour, it's just that the bast- I mean, colonel, is nowhere to be and I can leak you since it's an intel trust and I thought I'd give it to you," he rambled off, pulling a folder from his cloak pocket and shoving it towards her.

Hawkeye took the documents, her expression etched with confusion, and had his thoughts not been in such disarray, Ed may have noticed that the lieutenant herself was flustered - her face perhaps even redder than his own. Remembering that it had been her day off and realizing no sane person would have understood his jumbled request, he frantically rethought how to word it, barely taking notice of the anxious glance she threw over her shoulder before looking back at him.

Ed cleared his throat, raising his voice over Hayate's barking. "I meant that this is the report from our case today. The colonel asked me to help but I ended up solving it myself in the end and couldn't find him to give him the debriefing, and since you're someone I can trust-"

"So what was the noise?" a deep and very familiar voice interrupted, causing Ed's brain to switch off and mouth to drop to the floor as his eyes fell upon the man he had spent his whole evening searching for.

Except now he wished he hadn't found him at all.

There he was, standing in the hallway with nothing but a towel around his waist. A _towel._ Ed was looking directly at a shirtless, _half-naked_ colonel, standing in the lieutenant's apartment, having come from… _Oh shit._

Ed felt the blood rush to his face, his embarrassment mirrored by Mustang who'd stopped dead in his tracks at taking notice of him. Fear mingled with shock in his expression and he glanced over to his flustered lieutenant who too was frozen, while Ed stupidly opened his mouth only to close it again and repeat this process a few times before Black Hayate tackled him out of nowhere. The poor alchemist toppled backwards for the third time as his weak knees gave way. But his embarrassment this time round was nothing compared to the… he dared think the word… _couple_ … standing in front of him.

"Hayate!" Hawkeye gasped, her voice higher than usual as she regained her composure and pulled the dog away, thick trails of slobber splattering over the young alchemist.

"Fullmetal," Mustang started. "Now, this is _not_ what it looks like…"

"Hm? Oh… y-yeah. Of- of course not…" Ed stammered, awkwardly getting to his feet. _Okay… plan of action…?_ He'll have to quickly come up with an excusable farewell and while they're processing it, make a run straight for the hills. _Right._ _I'll be out of here in a few seconds, there's nothing to it. Nothing at all._

If only his paralyzed body would move.

"Edward…" Hawkeye gently broke the silence. "We were just… well we're not… it's really not what you think," she finished lamely, repeating the colonel's words.

Ed yelped. "Uh-huh!" He wasn't even ashamed of the unmanly squeal that escaped his throat this time. Perhaps they would take mercy on him? "Well… I'll just… go."

But the opportunity of escaping vanished when Mustang stepped past him and closed the front door to prevent Black Hayate from going outside. Oh, how Ed wished he was that dog right then, such a carefree and innocent creature, oblivious to the iniquitous knowledge and dangers of the lustful human heart-

"Just let us explain." Mustang's unwelcome voice burst his thoughts, and the warmth in Ed's cheeks intensified tenfold as he began to panic.

 _Explain?!_ What in the hell was wrong with them? He didn't want to hear an _explanation_ of the stuff they… in the bedroom- _No no no no no no!_

"You see-"

"Woah, woah, woah! Stop!" -Of course, a clarification to a certain point here _would_ be fitting, he supposed. Surely they would have realized how much trouble they'd be in if this gets out? The colonel sleeping with his lieutenant… _Sleeping_ … "Y-you were… and you were- you… with the lieutenant- you… huh?!" Ed cried incredulously, gaping back and forth between them.

"We're not doing what you think-" Mustang continued, blushing furiously at his failed attempt at wording their predicament. "I mean we… Look, the _situation_ is-"

"No, no, no, no! No more!"

"You see, it's complic-"

"I know what it is, damn it! I don't need an _explanation!_ I won't tell anyone, I promise! I know how serious it would be if anyone else found out, so I _promise_ okay? Seriously, you can trust me! I'll… I'll pretend it never happened! I didn't see anything! You never… you didn't- I didn't see, I didn't come here okay?! It didn't happen- I was just- it didn't-…"

Mustang sighed, folding his arms as he caught his lieutenant's eye. She lifted her firing arm. Unfortunately Ed's rambling gave no break and now that he was in full panic mode there would be no possible way of getting through to him lightly.

The loud bang brought him back to his senses.

"What the bloody hell was that for?!"

"Calm down," Mustang said, rolling his eyes.

 _"Calm down?!"_ Ed repeated in shock, wearily turning to watch the lieutenant as she put her gun away. "She just _shot_ at me!"

"What are you on about? It was the ceiling."

"Y-Yeah, but _I_ was in the room! Innocent civilian here!"

"Oh, like that hasn't happened before. You're such a wimp, Fullmetal, for the equivalent of-"

"That's enough, Roy," Hawkeye interjected. "Can we _all_ just calm down now?"

"Well _I'm_ not the moron who acts like it's the end of the world when he walks in on things he shouldn't-"

"On people _doing_ stuff _they_ shouldn't!"

"Man, you're such a child."

"Oh yeah? Well at least I don't sleep with my subordinates!"

"I don't _sleep_ with my subordinates!"

"Roy-"

"Okay, okay, one night stands then! Even worse!"

"If you hadn't acted like a deranged shrimp before and actually gave us a chance to _explain_ then-"

 _"Roy-"_

"Explain _what?_ I won't tell anyone okay! Geesh! What more do you want from me?!-"

"We're married."

"-Like I'd want to relive that! You actually think I- …wait… _what?"_

Hawkeye let out a deep breath. "We're _married,"_ she repeated.

Ed looked from one solider to the other in astonishment.

He blinked a couple of times.

Then he burst out laughing. There was no way he had seen _that_ one coming.

But Mustang and Hawkeye only stared at him in silence, their expressions serious, giving no hint of joke or amusement. Or anything else for that matter… Ed frowned. They didn't seriously expect him to _buy_ it? But damn, they sure were putting on a good act.

"We've been secretly married for six years," Hawkeye continued, back to her usual serious work tone.

"Oh _come on!"_ Ed exclaimed incredulously. "You work with each other! You work _for_ him, Lieutenant! That's illegal!"

Mustang rolled his eyes again. "Hence why it's _secret."_

"But Al and I saw you with like… five different woman last month!"

"Oh, _those?"_ Mustang chuckled. "Those weren't _dates._ They were informants. I thought even you would have been able to figure that one out."

Ed felt a pang of frustration. The two-timing bastard was actually trying to make _him_ look like an idiot while covering his own ass? _Not happening!_ "Then why do you only go out with your 'informants' when Lieutenant Hawkeye isn't around?"

"What would be the point to the disguise if I took her with me? Really, Fullmetal, like that wouldn't cause suspicion."

"And besides, it's not like I have to babysit him _all_ day," said Hawkeye. "He can do some things on his own."

"Come on, Riza, that's a bit harsh."

Never mind that they were calling each other by their first names – Hawkeye shot her commander a smile Ed never thought he'd ever see on her face as she went to stand beside him, taking his _hand_ in her own. Mustang grinned back at her… affectionately? Then he looked at the stunned alchemist, his grin morphing into a smirk. "Well I suppose you want actual _proof,_ Fullmetal?"

Ed gaped at the pair in disbelief.

"Is it really that hard to believe?" Mustang continued, amusement now in his tone. "I've always thought we make a damn sexy couple."

He let go of Hawkeye's hand and put his arm around her waist, planting a kiss on the side of her forehead. Her cheeks flushed a little and she gave him a look that Ed thought couldn't suit the lieutenant he'd known all these years any less, before leaning into Mustang's embrace and wrapping her arms around him.

Ed was struck by a more powerful heat wave, torn between yelling at them or getting the hell out of here before the rooster could crow and he'd be forced to witness this insanity forever – only once again his thoughts could connect with neither his mouth nor body and so he surrendered to just standing there gawking at the them like a dumbstruck idiot.

And unfortunately for him, Mustang didn't miss any of it. In fact, he seemed to be rather entertained, sniggering at his awkwardness. He leaned closer to Hawkeye to whisper something Ed didn't think he wanted to imagine by the seductive laugh she gave in response. She didn't seem to mind the colonel's actions in front of the young alchemist at all, and if Ed didn't know any better, he would say she was actually _enjoying_ it.

Were they doing this… on _purpose?_

"Well, I'll go get the evidence," Hawkeye eventually said, reluctance obvious when she released her hold on Mustang. Oh well, at least she was no longer running had her hands all over him. Ed wasn't sure his poor heart could take any more. "Would you like a drink, Edward?"

"Uh, n-no thanks," he squeaked. In this state anything he took down was sure to come back up. And he didn't care about any 'evidence,' he just wanted to go back to the hotel where people were sane, where he could crawl up in bed and stay there for the next week, forgetting this nightmare and the dread of ever having to see this couple again.

"Are you sure? It's no trouble."

Of course not. For _them._ Ed nodded quickly.

"Well, take a seat," Hawkeye gestured towards the kitchen, before turning to the colonel and giving him a look that said "get dressed." _Thankfully..._ Though to look on the bright side, things couldn't possibly get any more awkward for poor Ed… right?

The alchemist had thought too soon.

Mustang gave an embarrassed laugh, remembering that he only had a towel covering his... parts... and headed to the lieutenant's – or, supposing what they said was all true, _their_ – bedroom. As he turned around, Hawkeye's gaze drifted down to his… Ed quickly shifted his gaze to the wall, but could feel Mustang smirking at him. He might have mistaken it for a seductive look towards his lieutenant though, choosing the wrong moment to glare back in which the colonel gave her a suggestive wink.

Ed inwardly cursed them. What had he done to deserve _this?_

He followed Hawkeye to the kitchen in silence and was actually somewhat relieved to sit down while she left the room to get the 'proof' of the marriage. At least he could have a moment to think and process it all… _Okay, maybe not_. There was only so much shock one could take in a lifetime, let alone a single night. _Why_ was he doing this?

Hawkeye returned sooner than expected, with a marriage certificate, photo album and two rings in hand.

 _Impossible…_

The young alchemist tried his best to keep his composure as she forced him to look through the album – she had to make sure he genuinely _believed_ them as the certificate could have been a fake after all, she said. Though Ed wasn't entirely sure this was the only reason they were sitting in her kitchen paging through photos of herself in a most beautiful white dress with her long hair done up magnificently – an image that would give any sane man an intense nosebleed – alongside a smug-faced Mustang wearing a suit that perfectly complimented his slicked-back raven hair. And Ed to his horror almost found himself admitting that they actually looked _good._

That was, until the raven-haired groom himself appeared in casual clothes wearing that same nasty smirk he'd had five minutes ago. He strutted over to Hawkeye's chair and leaned down over her shoulder, their faces much too close for Ed's liking.

"Oh, that one's my favourite," Mustang said in an abnormally mushy voice as he pointed to the most romantic picture in the album, causing Ed's nausea to rise. "Do you remember when they took that one, honey? And Alexa couldn't stop gushing over it?"

 _Honey?_ Ed shook his head. _Ignore it,_ he told himself firmly. Besides, he had a few unanswered questions and seeing as he was actually suffering through this, he might as well get some answers while he was here.

As Hawkeye giggled – Lieutenant Hawkeye was actually _giggling_ – he seized his chance at interrupting their moment before it could get any more sickening.

"So since you're," he shuddered, _"married_ … how come you have your own apartment, Colonel?"

"Oh, that one's just for show," Mustang replied. "You didn't seriously think I'd live in a separate house from my _wife_ did you?"

Come to think of it, Ed had never actually _seen_ the colonel at his apartment before, nor could he recall an occasion in which anyone he knew had visited him there.

"Yeah, you never were good at the long distance thing," said Hawkeye.

"Well could you blame me? All the stuff I was missing. With you in your tam tams, and your late night-"

"But you said you've been married for six years," Ed interrupted loudly, resisting the urge to chuck, "and you were both already in the military at the time. How did you get away with it? You couldn't keep it secret from the higher ups, right?"

"No. But things tend to work out when your grandfather-in-law is the commander of the army," Mustang replied matter-of-factly.

Ed quickly did the math. "What?! General Grumman is…?"

"My grandfather, yes," said Hawkeye.

"And an excellent secret negotiator," Mustang grinned.

"Just for the people he loves."

"So of course our wedding was something he couldn't resist."

"Well, it's impossible to resist _you,_ Roy.

Ed gagged. He was wise enough this time round to not think that things couldn't get worse, but that didn't stop Mustang leaning in for a passionate kiss, this time full on the lips.

 _Too far!_ The startled alchemist leapt out of his chair.

Mustang and Hawkeye pulled away innocently, looking up at Ed as though _he_ was the crazy one. It really was time for him to get as far away from this insane pair and their sickening PDA as he could. Mustering up as much courage as he could, he forced himself to look at them.

"Okay, well, I believe you now! Uh, con… congratulations!" _Did I just_ say _that?!_ "Well, I- I think I'll be going now, and let you get back to uh… and don't worry, your secret's safe with me. I won't tell a soul, I swear! Not even Al!… Well if that's it then… see ya!"

And he was at the door.

"Oh, but one more thing before you go!" Hawkeye called. "Since you know our secret now and are so trustworthy and important to us, Edward… we were wondering if we could entrust you with another."

"Yeah, don't take this the wrong way Fullmetal. We're nowhere near best mates or anything, but you really are one of the people we trust most."

Ed gulped, preparing himself for the heart attack.

"So… we were wondering if you would do us a certain honor," Hawkeye continued, placing a hand across her abdomen. "You see, Roy and I are… well, how would you feel about becoming a godfather?"

And Ed ran for the hills.

…

"Do you think we overdid it a little?"

"Hm… I suppose the hole in the ceiling was probably unnecessary."

Hawkeye shrugged as she stood up and made her way towards the window. "Well, there was no other way to get through to him... You can get it fixed this weekend, can't you?" she added, pulling back the drapes.

"I guess so," her husband replied, joining her. "It's not like I'm not used to it, living with you. At least that _is_ fixable though. Can't say the same for Fullmetal."

The couple burst into laughter as they watched the young Elric stumble around the corner streetlight.

"Phew, that was close though," Mustang said seriously, wiping his eyes.

"Wouldn't have happened if _you'd_ done your job properly."

"Yeah, sorry about that..." He scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Oh well, it was bound to get out eventually," Hawkeye sighed. "Six years... we've had a pretty long run. But I'm kind of glad it's Edward, there's no way he'll have the nerve to tell anyone."

"Yeah, and I can't believe I'm saying this but I almost feel sorry for him."

Hawkeye lifted an eyebrow.

 _"Almost,"_ Mustang corrected himself. "I nearly lost it in the hallway though, good you had the situation under control." He wrapped his arms around his wife, who accepted the embrace, grinning wildly. "A _baby_ though, seriously? Damn, Riza, that was _genius!_ Did you see his face?"

"Priceless," Hawkeye laughed, pulling him down for a kiss.

...

"You don't think he actually believed us though, do you?"

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 **Thanks for reading. Leave a review/criticism if you have the time :)**


	2. Alternate Ending

**This is kind of random haha, just thought up an alternate ending yesterday and thought I'd post it.**

 **And to answer BlackBrightField2007's question, yes, they ARE MARRIED :) Roy and Riza would never do such things WITHOUT being married. But then again, they wouldn't really be married until he became Fuhrer, but meh, this is fanfiction... Enjoy!**

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...

"Do you think we overdid it a little?"

"Hm… I suppose the hole in the ceiling was probably unnecessary."

Hawkeye shrugged as she stood up and made her way towards the window. "Well, there was no other way to get through to him... You can get it fixed this weekend, can't you?" she added, pulling back the drapes.

"I guess so," her husband replied, joining her. "It's not like I'm not used to it, living with you. At least that _is_ fixable though. Can't say the same for Fullmetal."

The couple burst into laughter as they watched the young Elric stumble around the corner streetlight.

"Phew, that was close though," Mustang said seriously, wiping his eyes.

"Wouldn't have happened if _you'd_ done your job properly."

"Yeah, sorry about that..." He scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Oh well, it was bound to get out eventually," Hawkeye sighed. "Six years... we've had a pretty long run. But I'm kind of glad it's Edward, there's no way he'll have the nerve to tell anyone."

"Yeah, and I can't believe I'm saying this but I almost feel sorry for him."

Hawkeye lifted an eyebrow.

 _"Almost,"_ Mustang corrected himself. "I nearly lost it in the hallway though, good you had the situation under control." He wrapped his arms around his wife, who accepted the embrace, grinning wildly. "A _baby_ though, seriously? Damn, Riza, that was _genius!_ Did you see his face?"

"Priceless. He couldn't have done us a better favour either."

"…What do you mean?"

"There I was this whole time, worrying how I was going to tell you. Funny the way things turn out, huh?" Hawkeye laughed, pulling him down for a kiss.

Mustang froze against her lips, his face paling in shock. When she pulled back, he met her gaze wide-eyed.

"Wait… is this why… we haven't… been… lately…" he mumbled thickly, hands frozen on her waist.

Hawkeye fought to keep her face straight as she held his stare.

"You… you mean you're actually…"

"Yup." She gave him an affectionate stroke on the cheek, then broke out of his grip and turned towards their bedroom, smirking.

Her husband gazed after her dazedly. "Wait, this isn't a joke right? You're not kidding, are you?"

…

"…Riza?"

Hawkeye's smirk only widened. "Next time though, honey, don't wear a towel _over_ your boxers. I know they're embarrassing and all but it clearly gives people the wrong assumption."

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 **Thanks for reading guys, 'til next time then!**


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